Zombies, Witches, and Vampires: What Ex-wives and the Undead Have in Common

Recently, my husband’s ex-wife filed a complaint–she only received $3,200.00 in support money last month. She has been wronged. (She does not understand that the child-support, unlike the alimony, is not for her but for the children, but never mind. . . )

Branded a witch, I have stuck to the traditional methods of combat. In particular, I’ve been using lots of eye of newt and casting the evil eye around like crazy and burning effigies and all that good stuff. To no avail. A year and two months beyond an initial agreement which was to lead within a couple of months to a final order between my husband and his ex-wife, we still have no finality. If only I had known we were working with this kind of potential timeline, I could have spared myself a lot of grief over the course of the last year, when agreement seemed at various times on the horizon. Balderdash.

More frustrating than this eternal open conflict which has led the other party to continue to believe that she has some sort of superior claims to the children than her ex-husband, that she can take and keep them willy-nilly as it pleases her, and that she can still demand more money out of this, is the legal perspective that we are in fact in good shape if one only adopts the bird’s eye view.

I have recently arrived at an epiphany that might explain all of this. My husband’s ex-wife is not a witch–she is a ZOMBIE!!!


I have made the simplest of mistakes. Sun Tzu said famously:

So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss.
If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you may win or may lose.
If you know neither yourself nor your enemy, you will always endanger yourself.


Consider the similarities:

  1. Unlike witches and vampires, who do worry at times about whether certain acts make them a good vampire or a bad witch, zombies show no evidence of moral struggle or conscience.
  2. Zombies are frighteningly out-of-touch with their bodies. They throw their bodies about in a menacing way, whereas witches and vampires keep a lower profile most of the time.
  3. Zombies are voracious. They are never satisfied. They never stop. You cannot form agreements with them. The will consume or destroy everything in their path.
  4. While some witches are melted by water and some vampires are harmed by light or stakes through the heart, there is no magic bullet (werewolf reference?) for zombies. Maybe fire. I haven’t tried fire yet. The White Walkers in Game of Thrones can only be defeated when committed to the flames, yet in World War Z the injection of humans with deadly viruses was a tool (although not a solution) against the undead seeking a healthy host. Again, another similarity leaps out–the parasitic nature of the zombie.

Hypothesis confirmed! The woman is a zombie.

Now, the next epiphany only serves to shore up the validity of the first. Not only is my husband’s ex-wife a zombie, but if you have been living with a zombie in your midst most of your adult life, the containment theory of conflict would be the best you could hope for. Look, the zombie is not eating entire villages any more. We are making great strides against the zombie! This explains my continued unease in the face of what I am supposed to be experiencing as progress or at least a safe status quo.

However, if you are a lone witch, used to minding her own business, and you find a zombie on your perimeters–moved into your neighborhood even–you do not feel any sense of safety or neutrality whatsoever.

Family law is apparently about containment in this weakest sense, not about real boundaries, sane timelines, or clear-cut do’s and don’ts. Zombies will always win because they are audacious in ways that witches and vampires and even demons are not. They don’t care about agreements let alone the spirit of agreement.

So the next-time a zombie-abused person tells you that progress is being made (or that nothing has changed, which is supposed to be a positive–remember, we are 14 months into this thing), you will know that said person is either an attorney, who has been trained to seek the best result within a strategy of containment, or someone who is just glad the zombie isn’t eating his face.

I don’t know how to kill zombies. I do wish the zombie’s attorney would stop acting like the zombie is reasonable and that if only we would agree to give her all the power and lots of money, we could get this thing over with. Seriously?

~Wanda, one tired witch who has so many better things to do and is mad as hell that the zombie managed to mess with her finances

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  1. PhiloPsycho says:

    It sounds like you’ve “got 99 problems but a [w]itch ain’t one.” Sorry, weak attempt at humor.
    I’m sorry this awful heartless zombie is stealing your peace (and money). I’d say aim for her head, but it sounds like there isn’t much inside the skull.

    • Wanda says:

      All attempts at humor are appreciated! Even zombies get their’s eventually. Problem is, in the meantime, their learning curve looks like a flat line. All you really can do is keep containing with the understanding that they will find away around the barrier. Arg.

      • PhiloPsycho says:

        After reading Michael Wiederman’s co-authored book on personality disordered parents (and after taking his class), it is my unprofessional opinion that this woman can’t be reasoned with because she has a disorder. Still, while I feel sorry for her for having what I hope is a mental disorder, I feel waaaayyy more sorry for you and your family.
        Who the heck moves into their ex’s neighborhood?! That sounds like perma-stalking.

  2. Susan Kennedy says:

    Love your writing!

    • Wanda says:

      Thanks so much. Please tell anyone whom you think might be interested, especially someone who’s experiencing something similar. It’s frightening to think there are so many greedy, mean folks out there, but that seems to be the case.

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